My pandemic DNA surprise
I grew up in a very normal household (or so I thought). I grew up with two parents and an older sister. We were a typical upper middle class family living in a nice neighborhood in northern Maryland. My sister and I went to public school up until high school where we both attended a private Catholic high school. My sister and I were well provided for and I always considered myself to be pretty "boring."
Fast forward to August 2020. In the midst of the pandemic, my husband purchased an Ancestry DNA test for a birthday/anniversary present. It was the perfect present for me. I have a BA in History and an MA in Museum Studies. I am the family genealogist and have been working on the family tree for many years. Needless to say, I was excited to see if I could find any further information to help build out the family tree. My great grandmother was adopted so I was thinking I could finally crack that mystery.
I received my results the following month. At first glance, I didn't notice that anything was wrong. I looked at the DNA ethnicity pie chart and scrolled through the list of DNA matches. I didn't realize that my proud Irish heritage was not noted on the pie chart. And the DNA match list didn't immediately send up red flags. My family is very small- I grew up with no cousins and most of my relatives had passed away. I didn't expect to see anyone that I knew on the DNA match list. I assumed that all of the matches were very distant cousins that had no immediate connection to me.
My mother just happened to be stopping by at our home to drop some things off the day I received my results. I showed her my pie chart and she seemed very excited. Then I showed her the list of DNA matches and my mother's face went white. I had never seen that look before. She started to say something and then stopped herself. I could tell she was about to say something important and I told her that I wasn't going to let her leave until she finished the sentence. She asked me how accurate the Ancestry tests were. I laughed and said that it was DNA and you couldn't make it up. Then she told me that there might be a problem with my DNA and my heart stopped. My next question was if it was just my DNA with the "problem" or if my sister was involved as well. My mother told me that it was just me. She then told me that the person I matched to at the top of my list was the son of my dad's prior best friend and my sister's godfather. My mother had an affair with this man almost 30 years ago. He lived just down the street from my old house until that family moved out of state shortly after I was born. That conversation began an ongoing journey of discovering who I am and where I came from.
About a month later, I contacted my biological father. He gave me the medical history that I had asked about and told me that we could continue emailing. He would take several weeks in between emails and it was clear that my desire to begin a relationship wasn't reciprocated. He was worried about his wife (whom he was married to at the time I was conceived) finding out and didn't want this new information to rock the boat. When I expressed interest in meeting or speaking to my two new half siblings, my messages were brushed off and ignored. I did eventually get to meet my biological father in person after a year of infrequent emailing. He flew in from out of state, rented a car, and booked a hotel room for the weekend but all he could spare me was 2 hours of his time.
Eventually, being continually brushed off and mistreated by my biological father led me to contact my half siblings via letter. Much to my surprise, my biological father asked them both not to read my letters since they were leaving for a big family trip a few days later. I didn't understand why he would do such a thing but I do believe that my half brother opened my letter anyway. He showed up as active on Ancestry around the time I mailed the letter when his activity hadn't been non-existent prior.
It's been 7 months since I reached out to my half brother and half sister and I have received no response. I feel hurt and angry that my own flesh and blood don't even have the courtesy to send a message saying "I'm not interested in contact" or even a "leave me alone." For now, I'm trying to focus on my newfound ethnicity (Rusyn, in addition to being much more German than previously thought) and newfound religion (Byzantine Catholic). This discovery leaves a lasting impact. I feel like a fraud when I look at photographs of relatives that have passed away who I am now no longer biologically related to. I had to purge all Irish-related items from my home because they brought too much pain. Anytime a song about a father and his daughter comes on the radio, I immediately change the station. I am working through this discovery but I absolutely will never be the person I was before. I am rediscovering myself and will continue to do so, with or without the support of my biological father and half siblings.
Special thanks to Colleen N for sharing her story.
